I Feel Bad: Tips for Republicans

I love reading conservative blogs.  Or at least I did.  During the election it was fun, there was a lot of back and forth - nobody knew what was gonna happen or how people would react to the daily talking points, and on the blogs it was an all out spin-war that was pretty exciting.

I mean, remember when Sarah Palin was announced?!  Man that was awesome!  I got off a plane, checked the news and was like "Who?  The governor of Alaska?  That's clever!"  And conservative blogs were all "Oho! Who's laughing now?! We got your number America!"

And for a time there was drama, there was tension, conservative bloggers had real meaty material to attack and defend, giving it their all!  Then as the wheels fell off the there were other great emotions - anxiety, despair, anger!  Conservatives formed a circular firing squad and for a while the bickering was fun, with fingers pointing, people putting each other on lists, etc.

After that we kinda got distracted with all the hope and change for a while, and that was fun.  But now when I have a pang of nostalgia for those heady campaign days where two ideologies battled for supremacy in the minds of Americans I wonder "Hey, what are the conservatives up to out there in the wilderness?"  In those moments I click over to see what the buzz is and my heart sinks a little.  Because it's this kind of stuff.

Oh dear...part II an argument against giving Washington D.C. a voting member of the House of Representatives...and the central thesis is "doing something is never the right answer."

And I feel bad.  But that's just one story.  How about...this?

Hmm.  Bashing liberal media - that could go somewhere...but I guess in the end I don't get what someone is supposed to be outraged about - that the media is failing to portray this guy murdering his wife as an indictment of his culture?

So I still feel bad.

To make myself feel better, I am going to sincerely and earnestly brainstorm some ideas for conservatives to get behind that aren't just reactions to liberal positions (i.e. being the 'party of no').  But I'll give myself the leeway to say that these ideas may not be classic conservative positions and may require the party to change some of its old ways.

1) Economic Policy: Embrace the Buy Local Movement

It's kind of crunchy on the surface, but Buy Local is like Buy American on steroids!  It's the kind of "fear of outsiders" + "fiscal nostalgia" formula that would be conservative gold if they can nab it before the progressives make it theirs through policy.  Going local in your philosophy is also a good way to rebuild your horrible horrible representation in state governments.

2) Foreign Policy: Economic Invasion!

Military invasion of other countries is expensive and unpopular.  But selling them Cokes and Escalades not only combats their hatred of our freedom but also makes money!  Come up with some policy that encourages American companies to export to our enemies.  Cuba, Iran and North Korea should be buying our shit!  This would totally one-up those elitist Dems who everybody thinks are so smart for wanting to use diplomacy.

3) Social Policy: More Immigrants!

I never got why conservatives would complain about illegal immigrants who have lots of kids, while simultaneously hating on gays and abortion.  Illegal immigrants are totally your buds guys, you're on the same page! Get over the English-only thing, be the party that makes them legal and sell them a credit card, they will be your friends forever.

4) Bonus Points: Legalize Pot

Liberal New England just doesn't have the climate to grow marijuana outdoors - but the deep south?  You could clean up!  Drive a wedge between those lazy potheads who voted Obama because he was "cool" and their progressive overlords by embracing the herb and totally commercializing it.

Don't blame me if the Republicans adopt any or all of these and make a roaring comeback in the next election cycle.  I only did it because I feel bad.